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You know that saying where in order to love someone you have to first love yourself? i think that’s wrong…. I hate myself and Every morning i wonder why i even bother with live. Despite hating myself, i honestly love my friends right now. Family? ehh i love em cuz i have to. Family isn’t forever and i know friends aren’t either. Right now, life is bleh, but I am so thankful to have the friends that i do because they care just as much as i care for them. I have fun with them and can be myself. they are my happiness.

If you can’t prove to someone that you care then you don’t

So I’ve been dating this guy (his name on here will be Gus) for about 4 months now. We dated before last year (sophomore year) for about 4 months. I broke up with him because he couldn’t treat me like a boyfriend. He was and is a great guy, just so shy and quiet. I Honestly didn’t like him when we first started going out in feb of 2012 but I started to like him. that’s why i couldn’t take liking and dating someone but having it not even feel like a friendship. We talked in November of 2012 about what happened and we got back together, I like him and I want us to last. Things were great at first, even though it took him almost 2 months to kiss me xP. I just hate that it’s almost the same as before now. He has told me that he loved me once. Problem is that he knows i find it so hard to believe. He never compliments me, makes me feel signification, or even seem like he wants to be with me. I hate that when just the two us hang out it is just great but then when we get to school or hang out with other friends it really is like i don’t exist. I used to think it was my fault that i couldn’t accept that he loved me because i hated myself and this secret i had that i told him about. But since I’ve told him my secret i still can’t tell that he feels anything for me. On Monday he cancelled our first planned date because he had stuff yo do. then, later, we got into a lil argument about how he hate how negative i am of my self. I asked him why he cared. he said “i want you to stop hating yourself” “i just don’t like it when people hate themselves”. haha it’s not that easy to stop hating yourself when it’s all you’ve know (don’t get me wrong, I want to get better). Second, that just didn’t help, am i just a person to you?! i thought you “care more that others”. 
now last monday i told him that i don’t like how it seems like he takes no initiative to be with me and show me that he wants to. i told him that if he continued id stop trying. We haven’t spoken a word to each other since monday, I’m sticking to my word. It hurts to know that if I don’t try he won’t, at all. he even cancelled to hang out with me this Sat because he has “stuff” to do. I don’t think he is cheating i just think that he doesn’t care. I hate that i have to act like i don’t care because de doesn’t

I just turned 17. Just need somewhere to write about my life and “feelings”. Kind of like a diary, a place to get stuff of my chest and a way to reflect. Going to use fake names for sure. I am a believer. I hate myself, alot and I’m very negative about myself. trying to get better but it will take some time. hopefully this will help.
From now on I am Alex :)